she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
