Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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