after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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