dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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