Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
