Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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