my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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