I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
