I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
