Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
