you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
