We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
