i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
