Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
