mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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