I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
