you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
