My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
