he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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