Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
