I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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