am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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