YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
