i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
