I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
