Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
