I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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