Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
