meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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