I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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