I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
