She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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