Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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