Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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