I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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