u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
