I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
