Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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