Apparently you make a good broom.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
