Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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