Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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