Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
