she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
