you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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