Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
