you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
