I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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