Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
whose ass print is on the piano?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
