i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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