I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
