You smell like a Billy Joel song
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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