after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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