You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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