I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
