You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
PANTIES FOUND
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