Michael Bay diarrhea
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
