i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
