I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
