im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
