i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
