Your face is a jimmy john
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
