Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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